startling banals
17 February 2007
Crazy email
this is an email I wrote to a friend in a fit of frustration last semester. It seems funny now but I still believe it has some truth :D a mix of marathi-hindi-english. Notice the liberal use of the word 'but'.
... lekin sach much mein pagal ho jaunga. life = zero.
kaam karke pak gaya. mumbai ko jitna bhi gali do.. magar achi jagah hai yaar. shayad duniya mein koi achi jagah hai hi nahi. yaa yeh feeling bhi temporary hai kyunki mereko abhi kaam khatam karne ka tension hai. tension bhi nahi shayad sirf manasik thakvaa hai. thak gaya mein doosro se seekh seekh ke. i am tired of professors telling me what to do. but on the other hand if i bear this faltu pain of doing homework and attending lectures for 1 or 2 more semesters i will be finished with all the course work that is required for phd and i can start research. but what research ghantaa! aur kitna bhagunga. when will i finally accept that my life is a waste and i am born to do just time-pass. why don't i just sit down and tell myself ki i am fooling myself by pretending to do something 'useful'. yet i know that the people who are happy to do work - always busy types - are fools. so why do anything at all. but because they do not see the whole picture. because they don't know that whatever they do one day they are going to be dead. but on the other hand, if i can do even a small thing that i earlier thought i couldn't do, i feel very satisfied and congratulate myself mann hi mann mein. But this is not true always. 99% of things that i do are those that i am forced to do. and only maybe 1% things give satisfaction. then why take the effort at all? but whatever i am saying is self-contradictory so nothing is true. what i feel now is not what i feel 10 seconds later. this changing mindstate is something i got to accept. i am tired of accepting the world as it is. patience is what i need. but how long have i been waiting. nothing makes any sense yet. people are supposed to mature with age. but i can see that i am running only because people want to think that i am doing something. even people who care for you do not understand. and i dont want them to understand because it is too tiring to explain everything and talk talk talk...
kaam karke pak gaya. mumbai ko jitna bhi gali do.. magar achi jagah hai yaar. shayad duniya mein koi achi jagah hai hi nahi. yaa yeh feeling bhi temporary hai kyunki mereko abhi kaam khatam karne ka tension hai. tension bhi nahi shayad sirf manasik thakvaa hai. thak gaya mein doosro se seekh seekh ke. i am tired of professors telling me what to do. but on the other hand if i bear this faltu pain of doing homework and attending lectures for 1 or 2 more semesters i will be finished with all the course work that is required for phd and i can start research. but what research ghantaa! aur kitna bhagunga. when will i finally accept that my life is a waste and i am born to do just time-pass. why don't i just sit down and tell myself ki i am fooling myself by pretending to do something 'useful'. yet i know that the people who are happy to do work - always busy types - are fools. so why do anything at all. but because they do not see the whole picture. because they don't know that whatever they do one day they are going to be dead. but on the other hand, if i can do even a small thing that i earlier thought i couldn't do, i feel very satisfied and congratulate myself mann hi mann mein. But this is not true always. 99% of things that i do are those that i am forced to do. and only maybe 1% things give satisfaction. then why take the effort at all? but whatever i am saying is self-contradictory so nothing is true. what i feel now is not what i feel 10 seconds later. this changing mindstate is something i got to accept. i am tired of accepting the world as it is. patience is what i need. but how long have i been waiting. nothing makes any sense yet. people are supposed to mature with age. but i can see that i am running only because people want to think that i am doing something. even people who care for you do not understand. and i dont want them to understand because it is too tiring to explain everything and talk talk talk...
6 Comments:
mainey toh ye sab sochna chhod diya hai...
and guess what ..kaam karke aake thak ke sone mein bahut maza aata hai..freelancing mein raaton ko neend hi nahi aati thi....
ab mainey life ki meaning veaning sochna chhod diya hai..:)...try it.
and guess what ..kaam karke aake thak ke sone mein bahut maza aata hai..freelancing mein raaton ko neend hi nahi aati thi....
ab mainey life ki meaning veaning sochna chhod diya hai..:)...try it.
hahaha haa sahi bole. jab aadmi kaam karta hai toh life ekdum smooth ho jati hai. esp because we become so regular and develop some schedule. jab khali hota hu tabhi yeh khayal aate hai. filhaal toh life is very very smooth yaar. ekdum peaceful. subah nahadhoke yoga, nashta, department, TA duties, research, lunch, sutta, movies, dosto ke saath gap-shap, coffee, ek doosre ke ghar jaana and peaceful neend sona. :D
Hi anish
abe what a crazy monologue man.. (in a very good way) So many times we think so, but never as intensely as this. Thanks for it. You know what.. you must read 'Zen & the art of Motorcycle maintainance'. The key thing is to be driven by incentive (pleasure, interest, passion, not hurting a loved one) rather than disincentive (other's opinions, fear, once 'conscience'/guilt), and reconciliating the importance of short term & long term interests, because often they lead to opposing action. (That is the way to quit smoke too ;-)
Disclaimer: I know nothing first hand about what I just said. e.g. finding what you really like, can take a lifetime. But this is my theory for the way the world works & should work :-)
abe what a crazy monologue man.. (in a very good way) So many times we think so, but never as intensely as this. Thanks for it. You know what.. you must read 'Zen & the art of Motorcycle maintainance'. The key thing is to be driven by incentive (pleasure, interest, passion, not hurting a loved one) rather than disincentive (other's opinions, fear, once 'conscience'/guilt), and reconciliating the importance of short term & long term interests, because often they lead to opposing action. (That is the way to quit smoke too ;-)
Disclaimer: I know nothing first hand about what I just said. e.g. finding what you really like, can take a lifetime. But this is my theory for the way the world works & should work :-)
hello ameet!
"finding what you really like, can take a lifetime" man this really is the truth :D
thank you for your praise and the good advice. i will try to get that book pakka. I recently read "Of men and galaxies" it is a small book containing 3 lectures given by fred hoyle. fantastic stuff. get it from ur liby. and i am sure you will like this:
http://bvndiaries.blogspot.com/2007/02/nauseous-and-shaking.html
"finding what you really like, can take a lifetime" man this really is the truth :D
thank you for your praise and the good advice. i will try to get that book pakka. I recently read "Of men and galaxies" it is a small book containing 3 lectures given by fred hoyle. fantastic stuff. get it from ur liby. and i am sure you will like this:
http://bvndiaries.blogspot.com/2007/02/nauseous-and-shaking.html
Hi Aneesh, tu sangitaleli link attach vachato ahe.. far scorrect ahe dost :-) Thanks!
Anish, This feeling is constant and it usually strikes you when u are vella of highest order...
What i feel is, its not too dificult to know what u like but the problem is..it changes as u get ther and find out or catch hold of what u like... on the otherhand if u dont get it, u get into depression and self conscience n stuff like that rises up... So over all we all have habit of making life Complex!!
And..we constantly talk abt making it simple for just sake of saying it:D
What i feel is, its not too dificult to know what u like but the problem is..it changes as u get ther and find out or catch hold of what u like... on the otherhand if u dont get it, u get into depression and self conscience n stuff like that rises up... So over all we all have habit of making life Complex!!
And..we constantly talk abt making it simple for just sake of saying it:D